Christmas Tree

I just decorated my Christmas tree. I gave in and bought a small artificial tree, which was honestly quite hard for me to do. My whole life we have had live Christmas trees, and I have many fond memories of traipsing through the snow at my grandparents house to find the perfect tree. There was always a ton of snow (not 60 degrees out like it was today), and we had to clomp along behind my father. He made the footprints and we had to try to follow them or we would sink into the snow. Add to that my brother (the trouble maker) throwing snow balls or just pushing me and my sister into the snow - believe me, I was 100% innocent ;-). My dad likes to say that we always ended up picking the tree closest to the house, after wandering around for an hour or so, but what amazing memories. We would then go in and my grandmother had hot cocoa for us.

Once we got the tree home and set up, we would proceed to decorate, and bicker lovingly about whose homemade angel was put on the top. Even to this day, I wonder how the bulb with my brother's name remains almost perfectly intact, while my sister and I have bulbs that are coming apart. But they all still go on the tree, along with the bird for good luck and other memorable ornaments.

Other decorating memories are connected to my Gram (on my father's side). My sister and I always helped her decorate her tree, which was always an adventure in itself. Each decoration had a memory attached to it. I hung many of those decorations on my tree tonight, and it made me remember and smile (and cry a bit). I even have her manager under my tree.

So even though an artificial tree feels like cheating a bit, I have mine up with all of those decorations and memories connected to it. I'm sad remembering those I can't celebrate with this year, but I am also so thankful for the many holidays with them, and I am excited for the new traditions that come each year, thanks to all of the wonderful people who have entered my life.

Being Single

I just finished reading a book that pretty much was about me. I told all of my friends about the parallels, and was slightly freaked out at times. It was "Why I Love Singlehood" by Elisa Lorello and Sarah Girrell - Amazon recommended it to me on my Kindle site. As you may have guessed, the protagonist doesn't really LOVE being single (and neither do I), but she is a single woman in her early 30s who is trying to figure out what she wants (and searches for love) - she even loves shoes! She blogs about her adventures as a single woman, and her dating nightmares (I could also go on and on about those, but no worries, this won't become a blog about the single life, or looking for love, or anything along those lines).

Needless to say, the book struck a chord with me. It isn't often that I find a book that so closely parallels my thoughts and feelings, and I do read a lot. I think what people seem to forget in today's world of couples, servings for 2, and other various paired off aspects of the world, is that not everyone who is single is dying for a relationship, but that doesn't mean they want to be alone either. Sometimes, when you have been on your own, and self sufficient, for a length of time, it just becomes easier to stay that way. It is hard to open up and share your life with others. I know for a fact that I am guilty of that. I tend to shut people out as they get close, and not because I mean to. It is just easier to not depend on anyone else. (Wow, that sounds obnoxious, or just depressing, even to me)

Another thing the character in the book kept saying was that she had to be friends with anyone she dates first. I would typically agree with this, although if I am being totally honest this is another shield I put up. There has been more than one occasion when I have become friends with someone and then decided I didn't want to risk the friendship by showing any romantic interest. It's a fun trap I set up for myself... I guess I know I am searching for my best friend to spend my life with, but I need to be willing to take risks. I know all of that crap, but knowing it an acting on it are two different things. Maybe it's time to try a blind date or two?

So, anyways, I read the book, and was happy that the ending was a happy one, but it wasn't your typical, girl falls deeply in love with the right boy and they live happily ever after. Yes, there was an implication that she ends up with the right guy, and she does take a risk, but none of the saccharin sweet being swept off her feet and love at first sight shit that ends up in so many books. It was real life, which was refreshing.

Don't get me wrong, I finished that book and immediately read a Nora Roberts, saccharin sweet, girl being swept off her feet by the perfect combination of sweet, caring and burly manliness, and the ending was 100% happily ever after. Why did I choose that as my next read? I know these books aren't real, and I don't expect Prince Charming to come and dazzle me, but it is fun to read about.

So now I am working on my own story. I know I need to change some things, and I know when it is right I will be willing to take some risks. In the meantime, you may find I make some other changes (don't be surprised if I dye my hair bright red or buy some new shoes). Maybe I'll write my own book...

Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again - turkey time! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love that it is a time to enjoy family, eat, drink, and in general be merry. You don't need to worry about whether or not you have remembered to buy presents for everyone, or if they will like what you got them, or making sure you wrap everything just right, blah blah blah. Thanksgiving doesn't have any of those fun hassles connected to them.

For my whole life, Thanksgiving has meant family time. My grandmother always hosted a large family get together, and the day continued late into the night with fun card games. We actually did our family Thanksgiving last weekend, and even though Gram isn't with us anymore, I am sure she looked down on our celebration and smiled. We laughed a ton, cried some, ate a lot, and in general had a great time. My family brings me strength while challenging me and making sure I stay at my best. Last weekend reminded me of that.

So tomorrow, when we are celebrating a second Thanksgiving with family friends, and my sister and brother are celebrating with their respective in-laws, I will remember how blessed I am. I am truly thankful for my family, as well as for my friends and my support system. I would not be the person I am today without them. I hope all of you have a chance to enjoy, celebrate, and be thankful for all you have tomorrow!

Shoes Can Make or Break Your Day

I've had a crazy hectic day... but it ended with drinks and dinner with two amazing women. We talked about life, love, plans, and how unpredictable things are. We also talked about shoes - flats, kit heels, 3 inch heals, suede pumps... things are always better with a beautiful pair of shoes. One of my friends shared the pearl of wisdom that shoes can make or break your day. Sadly, that is so true.

I can't tell you how many times I have bought shoes as therapy. I know it seems silly, but I could be drinking myself into a stupor, running away, or even going to other vices (not that I don't eat emotionally, but I've done better with that as well). I literally left a presentation where the woman was discussing a point in her life that she was trying to fill a void with cosmos, clothes and shoes, and I related to her, at least somewhat (I don't think I have too big of a void to fill). Guess where I went after that presentation - to Marshall's and bought a spectacular pair of rose pumps (although I was shopping for flats).

So I vow this - I will start taking control of things (beyond my shoe collection) to deal with my life and my frustrations. I will find solutions, not just therapy. I will also start accepting help from those who offer it - even if it is just to listen to me explain why I'm feeling sad and offer a shoulder to cry on. I can't assume I'm putting people out by leaning on them - they may actually want to help me. I need to be open to that kind of support otherwise I will stay single and stubborn for the rest of my life. I don't want that to happen - I do want to share my life with my soulmate (whoever and wherever he may be).

So thank you ladies, for helping me make some changes in my attitude. I'm taking control (and wearing my rose pumps while doing just that). Those shoes are going to make my day!

Running Shoes

I'm exhausted! I feel like I have been going non-stop for weeks now. Don't get me wrong - I've been playing as hard as I've been working. Still, I'm tired. Ironically, I finally have a weekend at home to chill and I almost drove three hours to visit family. I know I would have had a good time, but I also know I need to rest so I can be at least somewhat functional this week.

While I have been running around, I have been doing a lot of thinking. All of this running makes for little time to focus on me. Not that I think being selfish is a good thing, but I am always the first to tell people they need to take time to take care of themselves, otherwise they are no good to anyone else. I saw this first hand when I had a total and utter breakdown while leaving my brother's house, and I have no idea why. I trully think it was because I didn't want to get in my car and drive yet again. Why can't all my loved ones live closer?

So here is my vow - I am going to relax and take some time to take care of me. I may even schedule a spa day to relax away my worries. Maybe I'll even find time to go on a date, you never know. In the meantime, thank you to all of my loved ones for dealing with me as I roller coaster through emotions in this hectic time in my life. I promise I'll even out at some point...

Doctors Need to Learn Customer Service

I'll start by apologizing for being long-winded and whiny, but I need to vent. I have been dealing with random hair issues on and off since I was a teenager, and they have flared up over the past year. Since it didn't work itself out, I figured it was time to see a doctor to make sure there weren't any underlying issues. Thinking I needed a referral (which it turns out I didn't, but oh well), I went to my primary care physician. Now I am bad about going to the doctors, and I hadn't had blood work in too many years (and I know the importance of knowing your numbers - I do at least track my blood pressure). It was a big step for me to make the appointment, but I did it.

My doctor did have blood work done and gave me a referral to a dermatologist. He gave me the choice of 2 dermatologists - one would take a few months to get into and the other was a little rough around the edges, but he would be able to treat me sooner and my doctor had faith he would do a good job, so I decided to go with the second doctor.

At this point, I was feeling good about my effort to at least go to the doctor, and I felt optimistic that maybe I would be able to get some help. And then it all went downhill... I told my mom about the dermatologist I was going to, and she groaned and stated she didn't like him when she saw him. Now this should have been a real red flag for me - my mom and I are pretty easy going and have similar tolerance levels for people. Still, I moved forward and had an appointment.

My primary asked me to call him back in 4-5 days for the results of my blood work. Tip #1 for doctors - you should take the initiative to call your patients with this info when you receive it and not expect them to have to call you. Anyways - I called 4 business days later and the receptionist told me the doctor wasn't in - please call back the next day. Again, my number should have been written down and the doctor should have called me, but oh well. At this point I'm still feeling optimistic...

The next day, I call my doctor, and the receptionist asks me to "please hold" and places me on hold - for 12 minutes (without any on hold music, so I had to keep checking that I hadn't accidentally hung up). She then returns and asks why I'm calling - I give her my name and tell her I am calling for blood work results. "OK, please hold for a moment..." 15 minutes later I hang up the phone and try to call her back to give her my number to have the doctor call me when he is available. When she answers she doesn't ask who I am, why I am calling, or any of that - she says "Can you please hold?" and, without waiting for an answer to her question, puts me back on hold - so I hung up again. I again stand by the idea that my number should have been taken and the doctor should have called me back when he was available. What if I had serious symptoms? What if something was wrong? Isn't your doctor supposed to care about you and your time? Isn't his staff supposed to care?

So about 20 minutes later, my mom calls to tell me the doctor just called her with results (which they couldn't give her, because she is not me). Now about a year ago, I dealt with some serious trauma, so I was living at my parents house for a month, but I know they have my cell phone number. If they had asked for it the first 3 times I called, this never would have happened. So, I call them back (again), and my favorite receptionist answers. I explain she called the wrong number, so she says "We should update that" - when I give her my number, she states "Oh, that is the number we have in the computer, I must have gotten the other number from an old chart" (grrrr) "Please hold and I'll get the doctor for you..." (Grrrr again) - 15 minutes of silent on hold, I hang up. The doctor never called me back - I had to call him another day for the results (which were all good, so at least there is happy news there).

I know I'm being long winded, but I'm not done. Now that I know my thyroid is all good and my numbers are good, I am prepared for the dermatologist appointment, still feeling optimistic. I went yesterday, and I was not impressed. The initial office staff was good, but when I got back into the exam room, the doctor entered without knocking, asked a rapid fire set of questions, responded to my answers by talking medical speak to the assistant with him, who was entering it in the computer, told me things I already knew about my hair, and decided I needed monthly cortisone shots in my scalp... Ouch! OK, this is fine - I can handle this. He then told me, again, things I already knew about my hair and proceeded to prick me with needles (at this point, he thought he would start asking about my work and me as a person - too late!) It hurt, and I really disliked him, and I was feeling really disheartened by the whole thing, and I just wanted to cry. He left by saying "see you in 4 weeks" (no "have a nice day" "it was nice meeting you" or even "thanks for coming in, we can help you with this"). I doubt he even remembers me today - he never took any time to get to know who I was beyond my hair issues.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a super emotional person, and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I know I had visible tears in my eyes, but the assistant in the office just said "exit is to the left." I feel like a more appropriate answer would have been "we can help with this, take a moment to relax and then you can head out to check out. The door is on your left." Basic courtesy is the start of customer service, and, again, doctors and their staff are supposed to care about their patients...

The receptionist didn't acknowledge my level of distraught either - she just made my appointment for 4 weeks later and handed me my receipt (they had taken payment before I even saw the doctor). I then proceeded to walk to my car and cry for most of the 45 minute ride back to work. Needless to say, I am calling to cancel the follow up appointment in four weeks and I will never go back to that office again.

Anyone know of a good doctor and/or dermatologist I could go see?

How do I help?

It's been a wild ride here in upstate NY. The weather has been unpredictable, and people's lives have been changed forever. Hurricane Irene caused flooding, and now we are dealing with rivers and creeks rising again due to the rain we have gotten today. I cannot even fathom what the people are dealing with who have lost their homes, livelihoods, and other possessions that are irreplaceable. How can we help? How can we comfort them? What can we do?

There are a lot of different ways we can help, and the real issue is how do we find what is right for each individual? I'll admit, I am afraid to venture to the flood ravished areas, and I'm not sure how effective I would be volunteering directly there. Maybe that makes me a coward; maybe it makes me a realist; it definitely makes me a person who refuses to go somewhere just to see the damage. The idea that mother nature can have that power, and that people are helpless at this time, is a bit too much for me to handle. Still, I need to do something. I am donating food and other goods where I can. I'm collecting for others to donate for them. Still, we need to band together and help these victims. We need to rebuild like the strong American people we are. I'm sure the people effected will do just that; I just hope they get a break soon to start rebuilding.